I am not here

All the little things… to nitpick, yet there are so many beautiful things, but those little things scratch and gnaw at my feet, and they bleed, and it feels like I’m being consumed by it. But if I let it, maybe, then it will take me whole, and I will be no longer. There will be nothing left for it to attack, bite, or gnaw at. I release that part of me which is disturbed, then there is nothing left to deal with.

I am not here, so there is nothing to fight, nothing to fear.

I am not here, so there is nothing to do or say or defend.

I am not here, so there is nothing I wish for or want.

There is nothing I need. I am not here, and so I disappear.

I do not take, or push, or sway or give. I do not speak.

I am not here, so there is nothing to fear,

because I am not here. I am not here.

Nothing is my right. Nothing is mine to say or share.

Nothing is mine, because I am not here.

How does this differ… to being here?

If I exist, if I am. I have energy to output and input. I have life to pour into, I have things to say, and places to be. I am here, and everything is here, too, and if I am here, I must feel safe, and if I am not safe, then being here is scary. But why does the world feel unsafe? Why does it feel like it’s too much to bear?

What am I afraid of? Losing love or losing myself?

If I lost myself, then there’s nothing to fear. If I hold myself, and say I am here, then I must fight? Is that… it? Is that… right? So, what is it—to be here and not be here?

To be here and not be in the fight.

To be a part of, and trust that that is enough.

To be a part of the world and feel it all.

Why must… or do I? Who says I must?

There’s a feeling, that to stay where I am, to not do anything at all, to feel that I must not do anything at all — is the way.

I will go where the wind, stream and path takes me, and rest awhile.

When I am one with everything I am not really there at all, leaving no mark.

It is the ego to wish to leave a mark, no?

Or to build a mountain, an empire for others to thrive and enjoy also a feat of the Divine?

To create structure, and class…

to create art, and leave a mark on each other’s hearts.

What’s it like to be a part of the world?

To take part and feel the resonance within ourselves, within our souls, to know that there is a place for everyone, all choices and opinions, and know—

where we are is where we’re supposed to be.

It is only rushing that pushes the soul out of the body.

Where I am now is where I am here. And where I am not, is where I am not.

I am here, and I am not.

I live, but I am not important.

I live to feel what I am meant to feel, and then this ‘I’ will fade, and I will feel again,

something different, somewhere else,

something new and familiar, all at once.