The Paradox

01.13.24
Good writing has feeling and I stopped feeling for awhile, or rather letting it be what it is before intellectualizing it to become a purified distilled version, so I stopped and prayed and it led me down a road where hell waited to scare me half to death, so life went and I had to catch up. I unfurled the contents of a hidden box inside that said to wait no stop. It’s too much. You’re kidding yourself. That’s what I faced off with. I wondered ‘why live’ when living is wrecked with fear of suffering? Funny, because little did I suffer but everything I seemed to carry. Every itch embedded in my cells arose when faced with the slowing of time. What am I doing with my life? When did I start playing it safe? Why is pleasure racked with guilt? What are we all to do? 

It’s paradoxical, and while we experiment with virtues and get a little high, we run to tell everyone we found the answer, we got the result but it was only one little magic trick. There’s a truth behind the mirage but what you see, ain’t it. The elegant pathways lit, the astrological shifts, the kingdoms built for a scheme, a climb to another mount.

The people who get there say it’s not what you think, it’s not what you really want, but do it anyway and do the next thing and the next, because do it if you love it. Do it because you want to, not because you think you should, because you think it’s “right” or “best.” Aren’t we tired of this story of what’s right, what’s best? When can we live without morals and realize the worst is not inevitable?

I wish to live in a world where no one feels compelled to tell you what they think you should do. Where no one thinks they’re doing something for the greater good, and tells you this is the way or the other route is not. When we can let others truly be free, discover through their own mistakes and live by their own fire whether dim or bright. We don’t all have to burn brightest.

We don’t all have to stand out from the crowd. We don’t have to agree. We don’t need to be frustrated about what’s working and what’s not. What others are doing or aren’t doing. We don’t have to prove anything, and maybe in that we discover something more beautiful than we’re told or shown.

We discover something new and we grow, and we love every second. No more struggle, no more fighting… I wish it could be so easy, and don’t we all really. Don’t we all want just that. So why do we—when do we—turn into hypocrites? When do we decide to be that which we’ve disliked, that which we claim not to be or to be against. We’re all so holy. In our own words we’re the prime example of a human being, and if it’s not us, it’s someone better out there we barely know, we assume, we say, oh gosh, that there is a hero, a model citizen, a master. But not me, maybe I can be, maybe I do claim to be. I wish more people were like me. So we get there and hear the accolades, we start to believe the story. It feels good. It feels great. You’re doing so good.

What am I doing? What’s it doing for you or me? Offering comfort? Inspiration? Then what? For better enjoyment, for love, for pleasure. That’s right. That’s right… so, where do we go wrong? If every innate desire fuels the one and the whole, where does it get all wonky, bc we want more? Because it’s not enough? Because you’re not enough? Why’s that? Because someone said so, because something made us believe it to be true, and where’s the source of that? The source the source the source. We’re always talking about the source. The source of love or the source of evil. It’s one or the other. It’s both. It’s neither without each other. It cancels out but we want both! Like the kid screaming in the shop, unable to make his decision, to choose a toy, treat or otherwise, “I want both! I want both!”

Can we give up ideals and opinions? The assumptions, the greed. The frustrations and expectations. Can we give it all up? What happens then? Maybe it can be more beautiful than we imagine, without the presumed desires and defined structures. I hear structures work well. I know it too, and I trust it does. We have a structure that works, that is ingrained in all of life and all of existence. There are a set of laws which everything works within. The 12 Universal Laws (that we know of so far). So, here’s an idea. What if we make 12 laws for ourselves, to structure the universe within, of what we already know. It cannot be unnecessary. It cannot be idealistic. It is what we know and what we have known because it is for us alone. For us to live by, for us to subscribe. Not a selling, not a pitch. A framework for the rest of your life or maybe the next few years, until you discover the rest or more…